In case you’ve been living under a rock, I will gladly update you on the biggest offseason story from the NFL thus far. Fortunately, this story takes place in Wisconsin, so even Milwaukee is up to speed, which makes my job easier.

Famed comedic actor and occasional quarterback Brett Favre finally gave the sports media their collective ejaculation last week after a “no means no” response to their incessant retirement questions for the past 5 or so years. It has been dubbed by many as the “Saddest Day in Wisconsin”, which effectively illustrates the depressing nature of Wisconsin. Number Four held a press conference on Thursday to announce his decision, and the NFL’s Ironman turned on the waterworks for the first time I can recall, at a venue appropriate for such an emotional response.

I’m no expert on physical pain, and as a robot I have successfully avoided emotional distress, but it would compute that voluntarily walking away from a profession that has returned to you as much as you have given make invoke some deep feelings, even in a man who started 253 consecutive games with a target on his weak side. It’s not unreasonable to believe that these feelings of sadness, remorse and gratitude could lead to a salty optical discharge (not to be confused with the salty discharge I produce that leads to feelings of sadness, remorse, guilt and embarrassment).

Apparently, not everyone shares my belief that even great quarterbacks with perma-stubble deserve a one time display of weakness. Fox News “sports commentator” Laura Ingraham had the following to say:

“Even these big, hulky strong impressive men today are in a situation where they just break down blubbering for like 20 minutes at a retirement press conference. And women, overwhelmingly, calling into my show, said we really like Brett Favre, we think he’s amazing, but enough with the waterworks. … I mean, the sobs, they just never stopped.”

Ok, so maybe that wasn’t so much her calling out Mr. Mississippi State as her female callers. Callers who, mind you, only knew Favre as “that cute Southern guy who really filled out the yellow spandex.” However, Ingraham couldn’t leave lame enough alone, according to Fanhouse. On her radio show, Ingraham informed both her listeners that she “didn’t know there was a woman quarterback in the NFL.”

“Brett Favre…we’re watching this in the studio, obviously retiring from the NFL, great quarterback, handsome 38-year-old man, he gets up there and he does this press conference that was frankly one of the most embarrassing things I have ever seen.”

“That’s a great message for young boys. ‘Get up there and act like a girl and start blubbering like a baby.”

It would seem the Milwaukee radio station that carries her show is urging her to apologize. I’ve never been one to come to the defense of utter morons, but there’s no reason for Ingraham to apologize. Her comments were obviously uttered for pure shock value, and the only thing she accomplished was to display her ignorance of the love of the game for players and fans alike. Stating opinions that are baseless and wholly inaccurate is not reason enough to apologize. If it was, Chris Mathews would spend the second half of every Hardball episode wearing an “I know, I’m sorry” v-neck. Ingraham should have the right to state her case and back up her thoughts. She’s not going to realize the err of her ways through an empty apology, but rather through trying to defend herself against a bevy of callers who are true football fans with an appreciation for the great things accomplished by the King Cheesehead.

The simple fact that her disagreement with Brett’s (lack of) composure is not the norm doesn’t mean she is not permitted to think it aloud. I’m not sure when this trend of constant agreement became the norm, but argument and going against the grain is what makes life fun. Last I checked, this is not Communist Russia, so you’re allowed to say whatever you like and, if spoken effectively, attempt to make a living off those words. If not spoken effectively, you end up writing a blog nobody reads and talking to yourself in the elevator several times a day at your shitty desk job. I mean, if that’s what you’re into. Yeah.

I fucking love baseball season.  Pitchers and catchers have already reported and home openers are less than six weeks away.  To get you in the mood, I submit this.  Uh oh.  Looks like someone forgot that Uncle Sam will always, without exception, get paid. 

I know what you’re thinking: How could Darryl Strawberry, with a heretofor unblemished record, fall into this kind of mess?  Look, I know he’s had slip-ups in the past.  So, the guy likes to get coked up and assualt his pregnant girlfriend.  Chill out, she was only in the first trimester.  It breaks my heart to see the system keep a man down.  Especially when that man owed $430,000 in back taxes and penalties to the IRS.  This man should be out, enjoying the fruits of his life’s work as an athlete and an entertainer.  He should be doing the things he loves, like attempting to pay for sex or skipping out on child support.  I mean, you give some guy the keys to your SUV to fake a grand theft auto only to be busted ON VIDEO TAPE giving your keys to your buddy and suddenly, you’re the bad guy.  Another instance of the media making a mountain a out of a false police report/insurance fraud charge. 

Straw is an eight-time All-Star, four-time World Series champ, and a cancer survivor.  Cancer survivor, people.  He’s like the black Lance Armstrong.  Except he’s missing part of his colon instead of a ball and instead of overcoming all odds, he managed a fiery crash into oblivion despite the fact he had the skills to be one of the best baseball players of the last 20 years.  Oh…and prostitutes, cocaine, illegitimate children, assault, and alcoholism.  They’re pretty much the same person.  Also, Strawberry had the balls to do what any rational, intelligent citizen would do when faced with a legal battle involving the United States government: represent himself in court.  Darryl Strawberry: role model, American hero.

The title is not a typo. I’m having an omniscient moment here and, while the supernatural feeling I have remains, I plan to clue everyone in on some of the most groundbreaking stories to hit in the coming year. I don’t know what exactly to call this feeling. It’s possible I’m channeling Nostradamus. Perhaps I have ESPN. Maybe the oatmeal I had for breakfast was just past expiration and I’m having an adverse reaction, who knows. What I do know is, come this time next year, you will be able to come back and look at this entry and say, “Wow, 2008 was a shitty year. I wish that Thai hooker hadn’t given me warts.” I know I will.

1. After Going 16-0, The New England Patriots lose in the second round of the playoffs to the Jacksonville Jaguars
   Miami Dolphins aside, the last quarter of the season has not been the road to coronation that New England thought they were going to have. In the “Wildcard Weekend” beginning Saturday, San Diego thoroughly handles the Tennessee Titans while Jacksonville murders The Steelers for the second time in under a month. This would put 5th seeded Jax in place to upset New England at Gilette the following weekend. The Jags pull out a close win by (get this) scoring more points than New England, bringing millions of tears to the eyes of “adults” in Massachusetts and joy to the rest of the football world.
   Side Story: It is discovered that the father of both Halle Berry and Jessica Alba’s children is actually Tom Brady.
2. The Boston Celtics win the 2007/08 NBA Championship in 6 games against the San Antonio Spurs
   For some reason God has a hard-on for the greater Boston area right now and has thus blessed them with some of the most dominating sports teams in recent history. After the crushing blow to the Patriots Season of Destiny, New England sports fans actually shut up for roughly 87 days until sometime in Spring Training, when boasting about a probable Red Sox repeat is interrupted by the realization that their basketball team is actually pretty damn good. The Celtics finish the season 69-13, and I giggle while saying “Hehe, 69.” The Spurs’ big three match up initially but ultimately are outgunned offensively by the Boston Three Party.
   Side Story: 3 of 5 Boston residents cannot distinguish Paul Pierce from Randy Moss and assume the WR is in the Witness Protection Program.
3. The movie The Dark Knight is the highest grossing film of the year, making over $700 million in theatres and falling just shy of the opening weekend record set by Spider-man 3
   The residual darker themes to Christopher Nolan’s second Batman installment causes just enough parents to be apprehensive enough to keep their kids at home July 18-20, resulting in an opening gate of roughly $138 million. With a mid-November DVD release, speculation on added profit via media sales is difficult for 2008. No one who sees the movie can wholeheartedly utter the term “Brokeback Joker” after watching Ledger’s show-stealing performance. Reviews are largely positive, but an overwhelming number of comparisons to Nicholson’s Joker cause Jack-O’s next film to flop in theatres as geeks nationwide are sick of hearing about him.
   Side Story: In an odd turn of events, comic book nerds of both genders now find Christian Bale more attractive than Maggie Gyllenhaal.
4. Dr. Dre releases his highly anticipated Detox album to much fanfare, and it lives up to the hype
   Detox serves as the pinnacle of timing, lyrical talent and production quality for mainstream Hip Hop for years to come. Lyrics are referenced by the likes of Dave Chappelle, Chris Rock and, unfortunately, Carson Daly. Hip-hop fans rejoice at the high quality of Dre’s album, as Eminem’s new release largely disappoints, though thankfully not as much as Encore.
   Side Story: A study by — (Insert Name of Urban Culture Advancement Organization Here) — finds that an equal number of whites and blacks purchased the album. Al Sharpton somehow finds a problem with this.
5. A celebrity sex tape people actually want to see, starring Scarlett Johansson, is rumored but inevitably turns out to be a fake
   Instead, we are deluged by more upskirt pictures of Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan, forcing me to avoid eating roast beef for days afterwards.
   Side Story: I download a high-res version of the fake Scarlett video anyway and partly use my imagination for the first time since discovering Internet Pornography circa-1999.

Well there you have it, folks. There are many other things I can predict will happen world-wide, but if I divulged all the details then you wouldn’t be surprised, and I can’t have that on my conscience. After all, surprise and fellatio are the spices of life.

What can you predict will happen in 2008?