Hey, you out there! … Ghost fucker! Do you need assistance?

I wish I were a ghost and could have sex with my soulmate ghost.

Don’t we all wish this? Awesome, just awesome. I’m guessing you’d need a special lens to film ghost porn.

Moving right along:

I’m 16 years old and I still haven’t accomplished anything worthwhile. I am pretty pathetic. I’m a lazy bastard and it irritated me, but I can’t do anything about it… because I’m lazy. Now do you understand my dilemma?

Yeah, I get your dilemma. Man, that’s gotta be rough. To be 16 and borderline mentally retarded must be a tough way to go through life. Where are this kid’s parents telling him to just be a kid, try hard in school and simply try to build a future of any kind? Only Doogie Howser accomplished anything by the age of 16, and he’s as real as unicorns and people who claim to know where Obama stands on the issues.

I feel kind of stupid. I told him I had a crush on him. Then I logged off.

I like to think of this series of events as if the crush conversation happened face to face, and thus “logged off” is a euphemism. Call me simple, but I chuckled.

I hate how all my friends tell me, “you’re so pretty” or “youre gorgeous”, but I don’t beleive them. I can never see myself as attractive in any way and it makes me wonder if they’re all just lying to me, afterall I haven’t had a boyfriend in over a year.

Emphasis mine. If that’s the litmus test for beauty, then call me the Elephant Man. Seriously, I must be fucking hideous, cause I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’ve never even been kissed.

I’m not a huge proponent of therapy, as I think that many times it’s too widespread and people use it as a substitute for self-imposed reflection and figuring out their own problems. However, anyone with a problem like this chick should seriously seek treatment to learn how to take a compliment. With the right mindset you can even draw the positives from others who may detest you. If someone hates me because I’m a smartass, generally it means that they were the subject of a joke that others laughed at, which tells me I have a funny bone after all. You can’t be liked by everyone, and these days with the TMZs and Perez Hiltons of the world, it seems that the number of people who harbor ill will towards you is directly proportional to your level of success.

Thanks again, GroupHug, for my thorough amusement.

A girl I don’t even know and I ate each other out in a hot tub while five of my guy friends watched. I’m kind of embarrassed now, mostly because it was such a “girls gone wild” moment, but being watched by all those guys did turn me on. I think I just like the attention.

First of all, I can only guess that these two girls were a.) highly ugly, 2.) insecure or d.) all of the above, because attractive single women just don’t do this in hot tubs. They reserve such behavior for my bedroom, and taking the show anywhere else violates the exclusivity agreement I made them sign without parental consent.Nonetheless, I’ve never been one to be a wet blanket on the fires of faux-lesbian lust. Unless these two strangers are about to pursue an adult film career, I hope they realize that their actions are going to be discussed at length among their respective circle of friends for longer than they’ll care to hear about it. Stories like this are more viral than a JJ Abrams project and spread faster than Chlamydia in an I Really Want Chlamydia rally.

I think I just like the attention.

This is the statement the term “duh” was invented for. Of course, this does illustrate a larger issue that most people prefer to ignore. Everyone not under Witness Protection loves attention in one form or another, and many like these two will step outside their previously well-defined sexual boundaries to get it. The problem is that too many attention whores of both genders are not prepared to deal with or even acknowledge the consequences of their actions when those consequences are perceived as negative. For example, I’m pretty sure my mom got me hammered before taking me grocery shopping as a child, because these days when I’m 3 sheets to the proverbial wind and what I want (Read: pussy) doesn’t come to me automatically, my reaction is akin to a 4 year old who was told to put the Snickers back in the checkout line. I’m fully aware that to those who are sober enough to remember, this characterizes me as a selfish, sometimes violent drunk asshole, but fortunately I’m comfortable with that. Much of my humor is overtly self-deprecating anyway, so it’s less embarrassment and more generating new material.

Still, why some idiots believe the repercussions from these cries for attention begin and end in the moment they occur I will never know.

For all of those who were not aware of its existence, the website GroupHug.com allows anonymous submission of a user’s confessions. The terms and conditions are unclear, though, upon clicking “submit” whether your particular God forgives you for your sins. Nonetheless, the site provides an RSS feed for the more notable submissions, which I have added to the Humor folder of my Google Reader.

It’s my particular brand of twisted humor that compels me to read these “featured” confessions, as it not only gives me a good laugh but puts into perspective my rather minute problems in comparison to some of these perceived unbearable sins. As a friend of mine pointed out in high school: When you think your life is shitty and couldn’t get any worse, look at the smelly anti-social kid in the corner and think, “At least I’m not that guy.” Disrespectful? Yes. Effective? Definitely. Besides, many people don’t think they deserve anyone’s respect, and who am I to try to change their minds?

One particular GroupHug entry I read yesterday, however, produced rage rather than laughter, and I felt that this was the best medium to address it and the bigger problems it represents.

I pretend to take my birth control every day in front of my boyfriend. I hide it under my tongue and take it out when hes not looking. Im so blessed to be pregnant – he doesn’t know yet.

Seriously, what the bastard-spawning padded cell fuck? I don’t even need to go into details as to why the excuse of “well he should have wrapped it up anyway” isn’t plausible, as anyone who resides in reality and has been a part of a relationship in which birth control was intricate knows full well that isn’t exactly a realistic expectation. It’s not even as if the male, trying to be somewhat sexually responsible, reminded her on a daily basis to take it and she conveniently “forgot” each day. This is a deliberate and repeated act of deception by a (assumedly) young girl with obvious inadequacy issues. Whoever the first person of either gender was who had the drug-induced revelation that having a baby fixes everything should be stabbed repeatedly with a mechanical pencil. This is the relationship equivalent to kicking a man in the junk to make his headache go away, only the ball pain lasts for over 18 years.

Now, I’m a huge opponent of always projecting one’s relationship problems inward, as blaming yourself for everything is senseless, unpractical and never leads to results. Never has that meant that the alternative is to take focus off your troubles by secretly opening a new can of worms. Do you think there are communication and trust issues in this girl’s relationship? One can surmise that without knowing anything more than the three sentences quoted above. Without having ever met this person — fortunately for my criminal record as well as her – I can guess some of the nutty shit that probably went through her mind before her grand scheme of treachery began. Ladies, you may want to stop reading and call your therapist if any of this begins to look familiar, though I’ve expanded the vocabulary beyond what was feasible for this soon-to-be simpleton mother.

• He doesn’t look at/love me like he used to. If I get pregnant, I’ll be beautiful and he’ll love me again.
• I feel like our relationship is getting boring and stale. A baby will freshen things up perfectly!
• He said he doesn’t want to have kids right now. He says we’re too young. I know I can change his mind.
• He said he doesn’t want to have kids right now. He says we’re too young, but I know he doesn’t really feel that way.
• I don’t know what I would ever do if he left me. I can’t live without his love. We have to have a baby so he will stay with me.
• Even if he realizes I deceived him into believing I was taking my birth control, he’ll forgive me because I love him and he loves me.
• I know we can’t afford a baby right now, but we love each other so I just know it will work out.

What crazy things have you told yourself in past relationships that now, looking back, you just shake your head in wonderment?