Years ago, I switched from Muscle and Fitness to Mens Health for workout and nutrition information, thanks to Joe Weider’s insatiable desire to print 7 pages of ads for every 1 page of useful content. In the past year or so, though, my new magazine has obviously felt the effects of a web presence’s need for fresh content (like this site!) and has devolved into a slightly less feminine version of Cosmo.

I’ve written before about the emasculating effect American media has had on society and their continuing effort to transform our country’s men into whining, emoting pussies, also known as the French. It appears that Mens Health is pulling out all the stops to win the Red Badge of Gayness with this new “article”, 18 Things a Grown Man Should Never Own. I’ll link to the article because I must and also refer you to the author’s photo. The only thing that man has had recently is a facial, and he didn’t go to the spa to get it. The systematic dismantling of the list may take more than one flush, as this turd is a real Lincoln Log (see #14).

1.A black eye. Unless the rim hits your face mid-dunk, your peepers should remain unblemished. You’re smart enough to talk your way out of any fight you’re going to lose.

First of all, Steve-o’s editor should have disqualified him from this article after reading the word “peepers”. No matter your age, it’s arguable that nothing is more manly than a black eye. The assumption that having a shiner means you lost also is a red flag that this guy has never seen a fight not sanctioned on HBO. What if you didn’t start the fight, but you turn away from the bar and see your friend in the middle of one? Point made? Good.

2.A witty e-mail signature. Quotes and song lyrics should be heard during toasts and karaoke performances, respectively. Don’t let your electronic correspondence become the digital version of a motivational poster.

This is complete personal preference and speaks nothing to one’s “manliness”. Perhaps a man uses a particular e-mail signature not as an extension of his penis, but because it says something about him or is a good reminder he enjoys whenever composing a new message. My personal e-mail signature currently is as follows:

“We should ban political correctness. It causes paralysis. It causes fear. It prevents people from being who they truly are.” – Rush Limbaugh

Read the archives of this site and, no matter your political affiliation, you’ll understand how I feel about censorship and PC-ness.

3.An empty refrigerator. Your larder should be amply stocked, your pantry provisioned. Always aim to be ready to create an on-the-fly, three-course dinner for her…along with breakfast in bed.

If I could afford to eat out every meal, I guess that would make me a girly-man. When I ask myself “What would Steve McQueen do?”, the answer is almost always “Cook an on-the-fly three-course dinner”.

4. PlayStation thumb. When they’re relaxing, grown men can behave like children. But if you devolve long enough to cause calluses or button-shaped bruises, you’re assuredly missing out on life.

My “Street Fighter thumb” is a nagging injury from the days of too many Hadukens on Super Nintendo. Re-aggravating this is like spraining the knee you tore up in high school football, only way nerdier. I think quietly, this guy is hoping to start a revolution against grown men playing videogames, cause the opera is, like, way cooler.

5. A key chain with a bottle opener. This bauble is both a gauche reminder of your college days and proof that you don’t know how to apply leverage using available, impromptu bottle openers: a lighter, the back end of a fork.

Despite my best efforts, I have not mastered the art of opening a bottle using my palm and the beveled edge of a table I do not own and do not wish to pay to replace. Of this, I am ashamed. Thus, if I choose to carry a bottle opener for my Newcastle-imbibing frivolities, I will do so.

6. A lucky shirt. Every shirt is lucky when worn by a man who knows that the harder he works the luckier he’ll be.

Wow, what a real life lesson from the paramount of virtue that is Mens Health. I make my own luck. Holy shit, that is profound. Everybody please take a moment to let that brilliance set in.

Finished? Good, moment over. Something tells me Mister Calechman (or maybe he prefers “Master”) never played any sports, something that should also render his opinion on manliness completely useless. Anyone who grew up in a sporting environment had a favorite article of clothing. Any time I had a hitting streak, my jock didn’t get washed. Aren’t you jealous you didn’t change next to me in high school? Well I mean, more so than usual?

7. An unstamped passport.

Sorry, I’ve been too busy in front of the PlayStation to make it to Amsterdam. I hear they’ve got shit that will blow my mind while I’m playing Grand Theft Auto. I’ll get back to you on this one.

8. Olympic dreams. Exceptions: curling and archery.

Fucking archery? Don’t get me wrong, shooting a bow is all well and good, as long as you’re planning to eat what you hit afterwards. I’m gonna call that Michael Phelps guy and tell him to man the fuck up. Damn children and their dreams, always getting in the way of my day to day.

9. Less than $20 in his wallet. Fiduciary nudity is negligence. A real man should always carry a business card and enough dough to pick up coffee, bagels, and the Sunday paper without whipping out the plastic.

Everywhere accepts plastic these days, so you’re an idiot. If I’m heading to the store for a paper and a paper alone, I’ll either grab change out of a jar for it or beat up a hobo, like a REAL man. If you’re buying coffee, bagels and a paper your total is bound to be $5 or more, in which case you can just use a goddamn card.

As for the business card, you present a good argument. A good argument that, in case I ever were to meet you or one of your loyal readers, I should carry these.

10. A name for his penis. Even if it’s a really clever name.

Mine: The General. He does, after all, make most of the decisions around here. I’ve never referred to him by name in public, and it isn’t information I volunteer. It’s not like he wears a nametag or anything. Lighten up, dude.

11. Any beer that costs less than $20 a case. And no exception for the grand-slam 30-pack that crosses that price threshold.

Steve’s thought process for 11 went something like this: “How can I make this article appeal to the common man, the salt of the earth? … … I KNOW! By bringing out my inner pretentious beer snob!”

It’s extremely unfortunate that my favorite higher end beers aren’t commonly found in a can, but I prefer to avoid the authorities at the beach, and buying exclusively bottled beer is not the best way to accomplish that. Container issues aside, some situations call for nothing more than Bud Light or a variation, and looking down your feminine nose at someone who drinks a simple domestic brand is no way to make friends.

12. The need to quote The Big Lebowski/ Caddyshack/Superbad. Reciting someone else’s lines reminds people that you haven’t the wit to write your own.

These are three odd choices, and I’m guessing the insinuation being made is that a real man always puts prose before hoes. “I have something very witty to inject here which would make everybody laugh, but I’m going to keep my mouth shut for fear of copyright infringement.” Again Steve, personal opinion is not fact, especially when you own The Hills on DVD.

13. A futon. Sure, beds are for sleeping. But such a meager, slouchy spread has never, in the history of sex, inspired a woman to say, “Take me on your futon.”

I was almost there, just about ready to agree with this, until I realized that he didn’t specify just that you shouldn’t use a futon for your primary sleeping arrangement. Is the guest room futon a no-no in the Calecowhatshisdouche’s household? I’ll agree that a sturdy bed is a worthy investment, but anybody who’s fucked on a counter, car seat or pet cage knows that a lack of a $4000 bedroom suite is not going to stop Ms. Right Now from riding the bone pony if she’s already got her ticket.

14. Code words for ugly women. Actually, code words for anything.

Code words are simply a method for quickly getting your point across. Anyone who has ever worked in government has had his brain saturated with acronyms and abbreviations. I hereby declare that code words are not only a creation of man, but we have been kind enough to pass the privilege to women. Granted, they have abused it with the creation of terms like “prob” and “def”. If guys could not use “moped” or “butterface”, our forced explanations would become far too vague and drawn out, and we would thus develop a conversational style akin to that of women. By the transitive property of terrible journalism, I have concluded that Mens Health is trying to transform all men into women.

15. A Nerf hoop in his living room. Keep the adolescent accoutrements where they belong: in the rec room or above the wastebasket in someone else’s office.

Though I haven’t seen the classic Nerf-hoop-in-livingroom setup in several years, this attempt to ban it from all of man-dom is foolish and ill-advised. The “Someone else’s office” jab is consequently blocked, and my reflex is to bring the haymaker of “You know how I know you’re gay? You hate office sports, basketball AND Nerf.”

16. A secret handshake.

See: Fraternities, Secret Societies. I suppose 90% of men in a position of power are regular Va-jay-jays to this guy. Next!

17. Drinking glasses with logos. Especially those kitschy McDonald’s Hamburglar ones.

Me: I’ll take “Words and their societal acceptance” for $200, Alex.
Alex: Answer- “This word means ‘characterized by pretentious bad taste’, and should never be used by anyone with a penis who sleeps with women.”
Me: What is “kitschy”?
Alex: Correct.

The real man’s drinking implement of choice is the Solo Cup or one of its many generic cousins. However, non-disposable alternatives are often necessary, as nobody has yet perfected the frosted Solo Cup. So what if my frozen pint has a FSU logo or Homer Simpson on it? I can still finish its contents faster than most men, and can refill and empty it more times in a night than any woman or sissy-mary I’ve met.

18. A recent story with the phrase “So I said to the cop…”

Thank God the 5-0 leave you alone after college, amiright? It’s truly comforting to know that your middle-class salary can be spent frivolously without regard to savings or emergency funds, since you are ineligible for parking tickets, speeding fines and the always popular DUI/DWI. All nonsense aside, this list has a weaker ending than Spielberg’s War of the Worlds or a sexual encounter with Stephen Hawking. And I would know.

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So in summary, you should always drink expensive import beer, but you are forbidden from carrying the tools necessary to open it. If you bought the beer cash, good, but make sure that you always make a full store run when you buy it, because a fridge without food is known as Frigidaire’s vagina. When drinking said beer, you may not play videogames, but you may hang out with your guy friends and chat. That is, you can shoot the shit permitting none of your tales involve law enforcement, and all of your words can be proven to be your own. Well thank ya, mister, I think I’ve got tha blueprint for ultimate manliness stored in ma brainparts now.

Look, if you want suggestions on things a man should have, take everything on this list under consideration. My main point is that the one and only thing every man must have, especially in this age of passing the buck, is the ability to take responsibility for his actions. In the inevitable backlash against this stinker, we’ll see what Mens Health and Steverino (sorry for the code word) are made of. I can only hope that Calechman was forced into producing this pile on a tight deadline and, in his haste, delegated the responsibility to his wife in exchange for an Ann Taylor Gift Card or a Beanie Baby or something.