That is the only possible explanation for NBC officially naming Jimmy Fallon as the heir to the Late Show with Conan O’Brien. I understand, promote from within. The guy works at NBC…if you count being a completely average member of arguably the weakest cast in SNL history. We’re not even comparing apples to apples here, people. It’s like comparing apples to unlubricated anal rape. How dare you, NBC. How dare you take hilarious Conan and replace him with Jimmy fucking Fallon. If I were the head of late night programming at NBC and you walked into my office and told me that Conan wanted out and we had to find a replacement, I would put my thumbs in my $100 suspenders and turn to the floor-to-ceiling window behind me for a moment, then turn back around to you and say, “Get me Jimmy Fallon.” Then we would both laugh hysterically and I’d pour us some 12-year-old Scotch. Seriously, I cannot think of anyone worse for this job than Fallon.

Rather than blab on and on about how incredibly unfunny Fallon is, I would like to offer an brief analysis of his resume. He is, of course, taking a new job, and as with any applicant, deserves scrutiny.

2004 - Taxi - Plays protagonist opposite Queen…Latifah. Well, shit. Below is a comment from the IMDB viewer reviews that I think sums it up.

“If you were able to see the whole movie in 5 minutes, it wouldn’t be worth the time. “

2005 - Fever Pitch - Plays douchey love interest of Drew…Barrymore. Jimmy! Come on! Like Sox fans haven’t had it hard enough. They just won the Series the year before and you have to immediately shit on their parade with this awful movie.

These are the only movies in his repertoire you would recognize, but Fallon truly is the total package. No great job goes unnoticed and Jimmy has the award (nominations) to prove it. He has been nominated for 11, count them, 11 Teen Choice awards. He has won zero. I couldn’t make a joke like that up. It’s a fact. Even teens know he sucks. They may huff pressurized air from a can to get high or even sniff a jar of sun-fermented shit and pee, but they know to steer clear of a tool like Fallon

Unfortunately, it seems like the days of random Chuck Norris clips and great characters like the Coked-Up Werewolf, Vomiting Kermit, and the Masturbating Bear are behind us. Don’t even get me started on the Max Weinberg Seven. NBC, buy promoting Fallon, you have may not have guaranteed success at the late night time slot, but you have guaranteed that nearly everyone in your target demographic will be tuning into something other than dipshit Jimmy Fallon, laughing at his own jokes for a hour.