Erin Burnett loves you, money
Posted on January 7th, 2008 in Celebs, The Red Ass |
I’ve been an avid Men’s Health reader for a while. Since before Britney shat out two kids. Since before Brooke Hogan got a record deal for being mildly attractive and the daughter of someone mildly famous. Since before saying “Paris” made people think of vagina instead of Europe. You get the idea. I love pretty much everything about it and I trust it completely. If they told me to eat a mile of shit and it would help me put up more weight at the gym, I would at least give it a test run. We had a good thing going. But, seriously, what the fuck is this? MH isn’t completely at fault (maybe) because it’s from some CNBC chick, but someone had to approve it. Erin Burnett contributes her “8 ways to impress me”.
1. Pack Your Bags
Any guy who can plan a trip to an exotic locale, such as Mongolia, Mozambique, or Papua New Guinea, would impress me.
I would wager that most dudes couldn’t pick out these countries on a map, let alone buy a pair of tickets for a flight on some prop plane full of refugees and livestock to spend four steamy days and three yellow-fever nights in a hut trying to have sex draped in a mosquito net.
2. Buy Me a New Atlas and Globe
You could unlock my heart by allowing me to dream up my next trip. I love to travel, and hope to eventually set foot in 100 countries. I have many more to go.
First off, no one says ‘unlock my heart’ unless they’re in a Danielle Steele novel. It seems the abridged version of #2 is “Give me your Amex card and I’ll call you in a week when I get back.” Fuck that.
3. Do Something Special for My Parents
Family is important to me, so round-trip business-class tickets to Australia and New Zealand for my parents would earn you big points in my book.
Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me. Two round trip tickets from LaGuardia to Auckland: $3703.10 at cheaptickets.com. That’s economy class, not business class, by the way. Unless you want to half-ass it, pony up another grand for the upgrade. Plus, if you’re keeping score at home, that doesn’t get mom and dad to Australia. While #3 is ridiculous for sure, I have to appreciate how she shoots the moon. Buy two tickets to New Zealand and Australia and neither you or her get to go. Ballsy.
4. Relax Me
Yoga keeps me calm, so I’d be impressed if you thought to send a yoga instructor to my apartment for private sessions.
We’ve gone from buying things to buying people. If the next one involves buying buying land in rural Virgina, tobacco plants, and indigo, I want out.
5. Help Me Work Out
Finding an exercise bike at my door would be great for rainy days when my Raleigh M80 mountain bike and I are stuck indoors.
I don’t know dick about mountain bikes. Most people probably don’t. I’m going to assume Erin knows this. To go out of your way to mention the exact bike you have kind of makes you a snatch. Regardless, it probably cost you a couple large. You can ride it in the rain.
6. Edify Me
Reading is a passion of mine, so a gathering with a couple of my favorite authors, especially Jared Diamond (Guns, Germs, and Steel) and Robin McKinley (The Blue Sword) would make for an exceptional evening.
My favorite baseball player? Ozzie Smith. My favorite band? Led Zeppelin. You don’t even have to make reservations. If you order a pizza and wings and get The Wizard and Jimmy Page to come to my apartment and split them with me, I will make #6 happen.
7. Please My Palate
Hiring a personal chef to prepare meals for the few nights a week I am home would be unforgettable.
It’s troubling to me how none of these wishes involve me in any way other than forking over money.
8. Send Me Packing
A man who recognizes the importance of my time with the girls is a keeper. A long weekend spa getaway for my sisters and me would be perfection.
A man who recognizes the importance of spending a shitload of money and not really interacting with me in any way is a keeper.
Look, this chick is famous (I think) and probably has access to guys who would maybe pull some of this shit off. The point is, publishing a list like this for a hugely popular men’s magazine whose audience is mostly guys who make less than the CEO salary it would take to satisfy these eight points kind of makes you look like a pretentious bitch. Not to mention that seven of the eight suggestions include the words ‘me’ or ‘my’. You suggesting I impress you by spending money on extravagant, ridiculous things for you, not us, to enjoy is as offensive as me publishing a list where seven of the eight suggestions involve the words ‘anal’ and ‘two of your hot, drunk girlfriends’. Plus, the list I could come up with wouldn’t cost you a dime. That’s the difference between vaginas and money. I can go broke buying you trips to Africa and malaria medicine, but it will be a long, long time before I break your vagina. At least until we get to #5 on my list which includes a basketball pump, a Mag Lite, and the board game Mouse Trap.
21 Responses
Fucking. Awesome. Laughed my ass off.
I would have a hard time compiling a guy’s list of “8 ways to impress me”. I can only come up with 5, and oddly enough none require a credit card.
1. Initiate sex more than twice a year
2. Put both legs behind your head
3. Explain the difference between OBP and OPS
4. Shut the hell up from time to time
5. Swallow
6. Bring a girlfriend with you from time to time.
I think “Send Me Packing” says it all? Who the hell would want to keep her around?
How about summing them all up in just one suggestion: “Let me treat you like a mindless chump and make your bank account smoke”
#7- Know your way around my washer, dryer, and stove.
No need for a personal chef.
Hey!…Thanks for the nice read, keep up the interesting posts..what a nice Friday
I couldn’t understand some parts of this article Erin Burnett loves you, money, but I guess I just need to check some more resources regarding this, because it sounds interesting.
What a fucking cunt. No pussy is worth all of that, you could have bought the entire population of El Pason to strip & fuck you blind for what she’s asking!
I’m quite wealthy (sort of) mostly due to the family cherry farm but I have to be married in order to get inheritance so I would marry her for few years (ONLY A FEW) just so I can get the money.
Hello…Man i just love your blog, keep the cool posts comin..holy Friday
Are you kidding me? That is hilarious. She is a COMPLETE DORK, just as I thought. She’s never swallowed or been fucked good, I’ll bet donuts to dollars on that one…LOL
In fact if someone knew how, she would fuck it by asking for the bed to bed littered with roses or some bullshit thing.
She is a complete DORK, as I expected. She wouldn’t even know how to have sex. You all know the type, about as fun as saturday night at the inlaws. What a loser.
just because you’re a cheapskate doesn’t mean erin b. is wrong.
maybe you should look BEYOND the dollar signs & look at the actual things she’s asking of your selfish ass–like once you are dating, do fun stuff (plan a trip to the beach or lake 10 miles away if you’re so worried about your bank account and ONLY your bank account, instead of living your life and having fun, you stupid douche), be nice to her & the people who birthed her (again, you can bake cookies if you’re afraid of losing your bank).
overall, her bottom line is to be a selfless person who enjoys having fun and enjoying life with HER. hello? that’s what growing up & having mature relationship is all about.
you are hopeless. you will die ALONE. with many STDs.
sad. so very sad for you, you SELFISH s.o.b.
HEY: read “THE PREDATORY FEMALE”
ERIN is the model for this book.
from an underground publisher in RENO.
however smart, girl-next-door charming, beautiful, and cute she may appear to be on tv, she’s really just like the typical gold-digging babe. like an leaky lambo, she’s looks good but is way to troublesome and expensive to get into. gold impresses most to gold diggers like her. actually to rich guys, this list is easy. she’s smart enough to put it together so she’d get free stuff for months to come. so she’s a pragmatic materialist. she’s also impressed by the comforts of the wealthy she obviously is not. sometimes it’s not the best thing to do to meet your favorite authors who are human and often disappoint in life. sometimes your personal chef can cook you a bad meal or mix a booger in your mango salsa just because. i’m disappointed that she didn’t use this opportunity to tell people about causes and charities she cares about.
How fucking disappointing. That bucktoothed squirrel had zero sex appeal before this article, and now I’m convinced she’s never had a real orgasm. Trish Regan….be my girl!!
you boys are so cheap… if you want pretty and classy girls youre going to have to start spending some money unless you look like models. otherwise, stop being picky and go for the girls who are your female counterparts- average and beer guzzling. you dont have to spend this much money and she is being a little demanding but it wouldnt kill you to make some effort
See, Sarah, you’re the problem here. You actually think in the 21st century that pretty and classy girls somehow inherently deserve to be showered with gifts and money. Sure, you can have vacations and chefs and other things, but if I’m basically paying for your company, then I don’t have to respect your opinion. On anything. You want to be bought and paid for? Fine, but you can’t have it both. “Equality” is a two way street.
You’re not a fucking princess. You’re a spoiled brat who happened to be lucky enough to be born with good genes and a penchant for an eating disorder. Look into becoming a complete person with your own goals and dreams. THEN you can become attractive to guys as more than arm candy. I’m sure you’ve used the phrase “total package” when referring to a guy with looks, personality, sense of humor and money. Women like Erin Burnett are far from the total package as far as most men are concerned. Also, stop labeling guys who don’t want to send their girlfriend’s parents to Sydney as “cheapskates”. You’re tipping your hand as a self-important bitch.
So whats the “total package” in your opinion?
Wise man once asked….why do women get their period?
Answer: Because they deserve it